Jack + Camera = Eternal Hamnation

Jack was treated to a day at the Childrens' museum last Friday with his friends Tyler and "Little" Jack (yes, as Poopwatchgate trundled forward). Thankfully, blogger-mommy Julianne was kind enough to photograph the event and post some photos.

Enjoy the rest of the photos here.

Pottytraining Diaries/Poopwatchgate: The Conclusion

Yep, that is what he's pointing at. It all came out yesterday, in a double header on the porcelain throne.

We'd given up hope. We'd tried logic. It failed. We'd tried peer pressure. That failed, too. We'd resulted to bribery. From the last diapered turd on Thursday morning until the ultimate splashdown, we'd promised Jack the world: New toys from Target, ice cream bars, M&M's, and, the coup de gras, Wii Sports Resort (I was rooting hard for this reason, alone.)

The wait seemed endless. Day after day we pestered him: "Don't you feel like you have to go poop?" The answer always the same. "Nope" he'd remark, "I'm fine." And he'd continue with his day.

Then, Sunday, the fourth day of Poopwatchgate, came. We were concerned about a blow-out. We worried that he might try to hold it in indefinitely and then his subconscious would betray him during the night. We contemplated suppositories (Sam had endured this fate in months past) to force the issue.

Sunday afternoon, I had resolved to make dinner and was perusing a cookbook generating ideas. Ashley noticed Jack had disappeared and had closed himself in the guest bath. Grunting ensued. Ashley claims she heard jack get off the toilet, pause and say, "YESSSSSSSSS." She believes he had to look to verify it for himself that he'd achieved his goal: using the toilet for its intended purpose.

Jack exploded out of the bathroom announcing the feat. Celebration ensued. I was sent to Costo. I ended up making an unintended journey through the Crip-town Rectum Mall when I learned Costco didn't carry the "Wii Motion Plus" accessory. Darn you COSTCO! [shakes fist angrily at Costco sign.]

I returned from my Costco-WalMart-GameStop-Back-To-Costco-All-While-Avoiding-Getting-Shot-Mugged-Or-Disemboweled-By-Not-Looking-Anyone-In-The-Eyes errand with the Wii game, and an over-sized bag of M&Ms (they measure this bag in pounds, not ounces, kids) [And some socks, a new golf shirt, a couple bottles of wine, and an 18 pack of Newcastle Brown Ale... Damn you Costco! [shakes fist at Costco sign again]] I learned that while I had been spelunking through Costo's caverns of colossal consumerism, Jack had added to the excitement with another deposit. He commented later that it was "really, really big" and that it looked like a "poop snake." Indeed.

We played Wii late into the night. Jack was beaming with pride. With the lone exception of returning home after the infrequent camping/hunting trip, I've never been more excited about the act of using the toilet.

Success.

It finally happened. Oh there is so much to tell. But you'll have to wait as I intend on telling the story, prospectively in reverse. Understood? So watch for new "old" posts. (Hint: I'll be post-dating them.)

Pottytraining Diaries/Poop Watch - Week 30: The Poop Camel

Jack's last "BM" was Thursday morning. It's now Saturday. We're genuinely concerned. He's not complaining that his stomach hurts or that he's in any discomfort or pain, but we're not buying it. We've placed him on the toilet several times to "try," but no luck.

I dub thee the Poop Camel, Jackson.

15 (or so) Random Things About Me: Jack.

If you're at all familiar with Facebook, you've probably run across these posted lists that people are fond of, including the "25 Random Things About Me" personalized list. Since Jack has no Facebook page (yet), I thought my dear readers would enjoy a list for Jack, based on my observations.

(For authenticity purposes, I write this in first person, as if it was written by Jack.)

1. I prefer to eat all of the cheese and toppings off of pizza and leave the crust and dough part untouched.
2. I will pee-pee in the potty, and celebrate it with gusto, but refuse to go #2 in the potty, instead choosing to store it up for the instant after I am put in my diaper for the night. I do this inentionally, and with full knowledge that I can control my bowels and could use the toilet if I wanted to, but the look on Dad's face when I do this, night after night, is just priceless.
3. My favorite movie is Cars, but I've never seen more than the first 10 minutes.
4. I have seen every Dora the Explorer and Oswald episode ever created. Fred Savage (the voice of Oswald) rules.
5. I have several pairs of shoes, thanks to my father, but prefer to wear my Crocs with socks.
6. I find screaming to be my preferred mode of communication, despite the ongoing pleading of my parents that I use a so-called "inside" vocal pattern.

7. I love coffee, usually with heavy milk and a splash of creamer.

8. I can control my bowels, for days on end, when I deem necessary.

9. I "bring the hot fire" when I play boxing against my father on the Wii.

10. I dance better than Michael Jackson. At least that's what I'm told. I have no idea who Michael Jackson is.

11. I can identify Tiger Woods, Connor Jackson (Diamondbacks), and Steven Drew when I see them on TV.

12. I love to wrestle my little brother, Sam, even though he has no idea what I'm doing to him.

13. My cousin Ethan and I take incredible magical trips to far away places and do things that make no sense whatsoever, such as install potties at the Eiffel tower. Or at Steven Drew's house. I tell each of these stories to my parents.

14. I read three books every night.

15. I can hit a golf ball 50 yards with my driver.

16. I prefer being naked, when possible.

Pottytraining Diaries - Week 30: Luck Runs Out

So Jack's diapers ran out this morning. We tossed the last of them in the garbage, full of its putrid load of human waste. I cheered quietly inside. I would have shot off fireworks inside my brain, but I was afraid of burning off the last of the brain cells to which I frantically cling these days.

Now we wait. And hope. And prepare ourselves for the inevitable midnight sheet cleanings...

Jack is upbeat about it. That makes one of us.

Pottytraining Diaries - Week 29: Scarce Resources

Jack's realized that the fuse is burning out quickly and he has therefore gone into conservation mode. Instead of asking for a mid-day diaper to poop in, he saves up until the morning after he sleeps in one, and then depositing the "remains of the day*" in it. That way, he only burns one diaper per day (since he must sleep in one).

* Sincere apologies to Kazuo Ishiguro and James Ivory.

Sam Takes a Bath

If you knew nothing about us, and all you saw was this photo, you would most assuredly conclude that we're hillbillies. Frankly, sometimes it's just easier to dunk the kid in the sink than draw a full bath. He doesn't seem to mind one bit.

Some things I learned today.

Jack taught me the following things today:

1. The lyrics are not "He's got the whole world in His hands," but instead "He's got the whole world in his pants."

2. I didn't really fly all the way to Scotland to play golf in '07, I just drove to Scottsdale.

3. Superman is the only person who plays in Scotland because he can fly there whenever he wants.

4. Jack can hit his little USA Kids Golf driver 50 yards... with no formal lessons to date.

5. Cousin Ethan plays on a golf course in Tucson where they use only sticks and rocks.

Potty-training update: If potty-training had an economic equivalent, we're in stagflation: Potty-training progress is stagnated and my frustration with the issue is inflating.*

Sam is great. He turned 1 in late July. He points at you and waves to say "hi" and "bye." Then he sees something he can eat, his eyes grow huge, and he points directly at it, grunt-yelling until you give it to him. He crawls faster than people in Tucson drive and eats more than his brother does most of the time. He claps, usually when people on the TV clap, including golf claps. He loves to toss (roll) a ball back and forth with you as you sit on the ground. He is the "OMG! the cutest baby ever!" according to any female under the age of 17 behind you in line at the supermarket or behind the counter at Old Navy. {sarcasm} Yeah, I know, LOL @ OMG! {/sarcasm}

Lastly, this is quite possibly the greatest invention of the modern era. "Darn, that's pricey!" you are likely saying. Let me tell you that after a couple of those puppies, you will not care what it cost. The first time I saw it at a party, my eyes grew large, I pointed at it and then grunt-yelled until they gave me one. It was delish.

* I spent 10 minutes trying to decide if you can use two colons in this manner. I decided for it, and will let my fellow law school compatriots comment furiously in the negative, after having diligently solicited their grammar guides. After reading newspapers for the last few years, I've decided grammar in America is officially dead.

Pottytraining Diaries - Week 28: The Ultimatum

So the gauntlet has been thrown down: Jack is operating on a dwindling number of diapers. The pediatrician has asked (required) that he be using the toilet for all activities in the near future. So the fastest way to that goal is to remove all obstacles: no more diapers after the current supply runs out.