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1 week ago
Friday, November 14, 2008
A Totally Worthless Post (Also Known as a Cat Joke)
We have two cats so this is funny to us.
How to feed a pill to a cat:
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holdinga baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat'smouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in righthand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouthand swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in leftarm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rearpaws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back ofmouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Callspouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front andrear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold headfirmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pilldown ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Makenote to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shatteredfigurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head justvisible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, forcemouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beerto take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove bloodfrom carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open anotherbeer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave headshowing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throatwith elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply coldcompress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Applywhisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Teeshirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoidcat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twineand bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning glovesfrom shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pilldown.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to theemergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearmand removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on wayhome to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local petshop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
How to feed a pill to a cat:
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holdinga baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat'smouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in righthand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouthand swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in leftarm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rearpaws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back ofmouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Callspouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front andrear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold headfirmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pilldown ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Makenote to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shatteredfigurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head justvisible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, forcemouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beerto take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove bloodfrom carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open anotherbeer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave headshowing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throatwith elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply coldcompress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Applywhisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Teeshirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoidcat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twineand bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning glovesfrom shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pilldown.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to theemergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearmand removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on wayhome to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local petshop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
A Million Posts An Hour
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Did you miss us?
My sincere apologies for the dearth of posts. As you can tell, I've had no success convincing Ashley to write anything here. "You're funny, I'm not," she rationalizes. "You were the valedictorian of your high school class, had straight A's in college, explain genetics to the common man, and mothered two beautiful children. Now you spend 99% of your waking life with them. Who do you think has more material than you?" I reply. She shrugs and walks away, effectively ending the argument. Such is my life. If she didn't have such a great rear, I'd keep arguing; I don't.
Otherwise, life has been pretty hectic between work, managing an over-active social life (think birthday parties for 2 year olds and church events, not Barcelona and Axis/Radius until 3am), and trying to dissuade Sam from crying 96% of his time awake.
Technically, I don't think they qualify him as "colicky" but dang this kid is fussy. I do not remember Jack as incredibly fussy at this age, he only cried to eat every two hours, which Ashley addressed by feeding him which, we found, quieted his complaints, but it also furthered his unbearable 2-hour feeding schedule. This go-round, we're smarter (or just simply more masochistic) in that we don't kowtow to Sam's every hunger pang. The net result is that if Sam wakes prematurely by, say, Jack whelping like a 12 year old girl at a Hanna Montana concert, he just cries for an hour or so until the alloted feeding time. Despite numerous lessons, Jack doesn't quite understand the concept of an "inside voice." So Jack frequently wakes up Sam, who then cries.
"Enough griping, TJ" you say? "Tell us about fun stuff!"
Fine.
Since October 21st, my last post, Halloween happened. It was enjoyable. Jack dressed up like a penguin. "Why?" you astutely ask. Because his costume was a freebie from a fancy birthday party that he attended earlier this year, that's why. We're in a recession, don't you know? I have to fund important things like golf tournaments, cufflinks and bottles of Scotch. We cannot be discarding hard-earned money hither and yon with such unnecessary items as prefabricated costumes. Had it not been for the penguin costume, Jack would have been a "robot," consisting of one (1) roll of duct tape and one (1) box of tinfoil, liberally wrapped around his torso, legs and arms. I would have suggested we modify an old pot lid for a hat.
...
[Sorry for the delay, I was away writing myself a note for next October, titled "Incredibly Affordable Robot Costume."]
Sam was very cute in his little dinosaur outfit. It was a nice, warm flannel outfit to protect him against the inevitable cold that greets trick-or-treaters on October 31st in Phoenix, Arizona. Generally, October ushers in the cooler days and nights. Instead, the weather delivered it's own Halloween "trick" by giving us mid-90's temperatures. Thanks Mother Earth. I drove my car 200 extra miles this month just to get back at you. I hear you don't like carbon monoxide all that much. Suck on that.
In the week before Halloween, my maternal grandfather, Everett, died. He had been on the decline for a while, so it was not a huge shock. My maternal grandmother had died when I was in college, so he had been single for a while. He met a nice lady who lived in the same assisted living facility that he did and they came to numerous family events as a "couple." I could go on for pages about that (she became somewhat senile later on, and would ask the same question three and four times during dinner, which led to some interesting conversations.) She passed on about a year or so ago, leaving Grandpa alone again. We figured that was the final straw and it turned out it was.
He slowly gave in and the Lord finally took him the week before Halloween. Sam had not met him, but Jack spent some good time with him, which was special to him and Jack. Before I told Jack what had happened, I never realized how hard it was to deliver that type of news to your kids. He's almost three, but he really didn't understand it. "Where did he go?" he asked me. It took about ten minutes of explanation before it sank in. Strangely enough, Jack took it in stride and even though visits to Great Grandpa were a part of Jack's weekly visits to his Grandma Ryan, he seems to be okay with it. With kids, there's always a number of "firsts." This was the first time I had to deliver really sad news to Jack and to help him work through it.
Sam, on the other hand, responded by staring excitedly at the bubbles in his bouncer seat, flapping his arms and legs back and forth, and cooing. Yes, lights no longer hold his attention, so now he's figuring out how the bubbles work. He's smiling quite a bit, and has worked out (we hope) his constipation issues. He sleeps much better stretches than Jack ever did, so in the overall give and take, I'd say he and Jack are in a dead heat for hardest kid to manage through the "newborn" stage. But if Jack survived, Sam should too.
On lighter notes, Jack, the unintentional comedian that he is, made a funny comment the other day. While driving to one of our now innumerable family events, Ashley and Jack were having a conversation in which Jack was asking questions we considered "silly" prompting Ashley to call him a "silly goose." He responded that he "was not" a silly goose, and Ashley said, "No, you're Jack in the Beanstalk." Jack replied,
"No, momma. I'm Jack in the Carseat."
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