Christmas Photo Retrospective

This year, one of Jack's multiple gifts from his doting (spoiling?) grandparents was a Fisher Price digital camera.  (Effectively, it's the same camera you have in your three-year old cell phone but packaged in about three pounds of plastic and Styrofoam so he can send it sailing out the car window, retrieve it, and keep taking photos.  At least that's what the packaging would lead you to believe.)  

He's always been interested in our digital camera and always wants to see photos of himself and Sam after we take them.  After sifting through the mounds of items that had been purchased for him (an exact duplicate of the mound of items that had been purchased for Ethan, his cousin 6 months the elder), he quickly realized what he'd been given: the opportunity to express his artistic flair.  He quickly went to work, and thankfully, chronicled the Christmas holiday from start to finish with an eye for detail that would make Ansel Adams roll over in his grave, vomit and roll over again, before returning to the afterlife to play shuffleboard with Jesus.

I'll save you from the first few shots (feet, the floor, the back half of the dog, etc.), but he quickly learned how to use the device. 

Ethan with his camera. There was a full roll of these so I'm sure they were giggling and having a grand ole' time taking photos of each other.

Streaking Christmas. This is a fine example of Jack exploring the metaphoric nature of otherwise static human imagery. In this photo we assume he's trying to convey the frailty of human life contrasted with the constant pursuit of happiness. Or he took a photo of the Christmas tree while shaking the camera. We're not sure which one it is, frankly.

His first attempt at realism. The juxtaposition of the stuffed squirrel alongside a rather ordinary sippy cup filled with freshly squeezed orange juice explores the depths of Jack's disdain with the excess of unchecked capitalism. Or our house is a mess because we just got home from 14+ hours of Christmas out of our house, dumped the contents of our car onto our dining room table and went to bed and Jack photographed it the next morning.

My aunt Jan fixing the turkey. We "oil fried" the turkey and it was pretty doggone good, I have to admit. I was skeptical, but it does cook a nice turkey, albeit a little greasy.

At this point of the day, we're getting a little goofy.  This is someone's rear.  Not much art in that.

More artistic expression.  Here, he captures Ethan waiving, but at the same time, streaks the lights for effect.  Well done, Master Ryan. 

Finally, his self portrait.  

The Return of Lisa

Somehow, spraying our house for bugs has gone undone for, oh, SIX YEARS.  As a result creepy crawlers find our house quite habitable and enjoy our company.  Jack discovered a new "Lisa" in one of our (wait for it) reusable lunch bags:

These photos were taken moments before we walked out the door to go visit some friends.  Lisa, Jack insisted, had to come with us.  She rode, seemingly content, on Jack's arm for the majority of the trip.  When we arrived, however, Lisa had vanished.  In other words, Lisa's now living in Ashley's car, somewhere.  Or, more likely, is deceased.  

R.I.P. Lisa #2.  

Evidence Collection, Refined

Having suffered with the limitations of a Canon point-and-shoot camera for many years, Ashley and I finally decided that Jack's ability to escape well-set photos must be addressed with the purchase of a competent digital SLR camera.

After exhaustive research and some dumb luck, I found the Canon EOS Rebel Xsi with two lenses, bag and chip at Costco for a decent value and pulled the trigger. (The purchase was not without some heart palpitations considering the price tag and the likelihood that Jack will probably find a way to stick his dirty fingers inside the camera and ruin it within a month's time.)

Since I have no patience, I took some preliminary shots:



[Click on them for the larger size.]

Editorial Redaction

Previously, I wrote that Sam was sleeping through the night on a regular basis. Since I do not wake up in the middle of the night when Ashley gets up, I had nothing to base that on except for my wife's reports that he had done so twice in a three-night stretch.

I most humbly come before you to say that it was short lived. It appears he's growing (I realize that comes as a shock to most) and so he's back to waking up between 3 and 4 AM to feed and then again at 6 to 7 AM. He is eating more and more and more frequently during the day, we've noticed. At first, I guessed he might be starting to teethe, but thankfully, for now, that's not the case, he's just hungry. I know how fussy I get between meals, so I have some empathy for the little tike.

GQ Boys

Daddy, why you say?

Exclamations are a staple of dialog in our house. Upon the discovery of cat vomit, a missed deadline, spilled food or drink or otherwise, Ashley and I will say something like, "Darnit!" or "argh" or let out a heavy sigh clearly intended to express frustration.

Jack has keyed in on the fact that these expressions are tied to discoveries of things we're not happy about, so he always wants to know what caused the excited utterance. Uniformly, he'll come running in asking, "Daddy, why you say 'darnit?'" and I'll explain. It's gotten to the point now that he even tries to mimic guttural sounds that don't include words, and others that include the "off color" ones.

Some prime examples:

"Daddy, why you say '{extremely frustrated, growling sigh}?'"

"Mommy, why you say "{discovery of sixth pile of cat vomit today shushing noise}?"

"Daddy, why you say 'hummanahummana?'"

and my favorite,

"Mommy, why you say '[expletive]?'"

If he had colored feathers and a beak he'd fit right in on a perch at a pet store. A PG-13 pet store, that is.

My boys make me so proud.

Feeding my unending desire to ensure that my sons grow up strong, confident and mature, I constantly test them in ways no professional educator ever will. For example, last night Jack and I were watching the 1964 stop motion animation classic "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" with Burl Ives lending his penetrating vocal talent as the overstuffed ice man narrator. The storyline is typical: outcast for his ghastly appearance, Rudolph becomes the hero on the basis of his nasal deformity. There is also a twisting subplot of a discontent elf who dislikes toy making and sets out to become a dentist. Substitute "hairdresser" for "dentist" in my last sentence, and you've got a 2008 plot line ready to go into production. Call me, Hollywood.

During a break, a commercial for Barbie dolls played. "Mommy, she's beautiful!" a young girl exclaims, holding her newly unwrapped, anorexic mannequin. The mother turns to the camera, "I received my first barbie in 1964..." The message was clear: Barbie's are timeless and somehow necessary in these tough economic times. Seizing the opportunity to test my growing man-child, I asked Jack, "Jack, do you want a Barbie for Christmas?"

"No, daddy!" he quickly exclaimed, his voice scoffing at the mere suggestion. "Barbies are for grwils." (grwils = girls, as I'm sure you've already figured out. You're all so smart!) I brimmed with pride, knowing that at least for today, Jack wasn't going to start wearing dresses and playing with Barbie dolls.

Sam, too, brings us unending joy. He's almost ready to join the NFL. At four months (really two months, if you "adjust" him for his 8 week early arrival), he's sleeping through the night. (Twice as of this date, with a funky night in between that included both kids up at all hours of the night screaming while their Daddy was incapacitated on a full dose of NyQuil, leaving Mommy to singlehandedly feed the crying newborn and negotiate the return of Jack to his bed at three different points in the night.) Sleeping through at four months beats Jack's record by a solid five months, which improves life substantially. (If you knew either of us during Jack's first nine months, you saw what were effectively useless shells of people, moving between events on a daily basis. Those were dark days, indeed.)

Sam is incredibly strong. When resting on my lap, the likes to grab my fingers and try to pull himself up to a seated position. He does little mini-crunches which are pretty funny to watch. His head and neck strength are rapidly improving and I'm hopeful to put him in the Bumbo seat soon. He's tracking people in the room, enjoying his swing, and HATES tummy time. In fact, twice now, he's (whether intentionally or not we don't know) rolled himself over from tummy to back when put in "tummy time." He's a very happy and generally content kid, which bodes well considering that his older brother gives new meaning to "high maintenance."

Sam continues to struggle with his constipation, but it's getting better as time progresses, especially now that we can (with medical approval) supply him with a steady stream of apple juice. Not satisfied with the results of apple juice, Ashley had to traumatize him by administering a glycerin suppository. Translation: She jammed a little gooey plug in his butt in hopes it would make him vacate his bowels. (*GASP*) On the upside, it promptly produced results. Later, Sam and I had a rousing discussion of the mental and developmental ramifications of his mother jamming things in his rear at such a young and tender age. He smiled and cooed back at me. I'll make sure to ask him the same question about Barbies when the time comes.

JackaDance

How To Waste an Evening: LOL Cats

One of my favorite sites when I need a good laugh.


more animals

A Totally Worthless Post (Also Known as a Cat Joke)

We have two cats so this is funny to us.

How to feed a pill to a cat:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holdinga baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat'smouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in righthand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouthand swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in leftarm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rearpaws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back ofmouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Callspouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front andrear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold headfirmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pilldown ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Makenote to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shatteredfigurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head justvisible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, forcemouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beerto take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove bloodfrom carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open anotherbeer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave headshowing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throatwith elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply coldcompress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Applywhisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Teeshirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoidcat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twineand bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning glovesfrom shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pilldown.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to theemergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearmand removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on wayhome to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local petshop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.