A Totally Worthless Post (Also Known as a Cat Joke)

We have two cats so this is funny to us.

How to feed a pill to a cat:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holdinga baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat'smouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in righthand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouthand swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in leftarm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rearpaws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back ofmouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Callspouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front andrear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold headfirmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pilldown ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Makenote to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shatteredfigurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head justvisible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, forcemouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beerto take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove bloodfrom carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open anotherbeer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave headshowing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throatwith elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply coldcompress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Applywhisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Teeshirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoidcat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twineand bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning glovesfrom shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pilldown.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to theemergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearmand removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on wayhome to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local petshop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.